the power of a photograph

This picture was taken awhile ago, feel free to try to figure out where.

But, it's kind of my secret.

Pictures are incredible.

They create this effect, where your mind goes back to when it was taken.

I tend to take hundreds of photographs for everything I do.

Only because I know that someday, I will be so grateful to myself for capturing all of what I did.

Heading off in five days,

until then,

j.

i really want to

{me grilling hot dogs because sometimes i like to pretend like i know what im doing, except i actually did grill those and they didnt taste too bad}

I really wanted to write an awesome post, because the one i wrote before this is just kind of pitiful. but all that comes to mind is random things, so here it goes.

I am really into tim mcgraw and fishing right now. and no, i dont think its a phase. i think i just never gave either of them a chance and now that i finally have, i am embracing them both (i've spent the past week listening to a tim mcgraw pandora playlist and i love all of his songs. all of them)

I finally finally got my lexapro. i took it for the first time last night. i think i feel the difference already. during lunch today i was about to freak out, and then i didn't, so thats a good sign. but, i think it makes me ridiculously tired because i could NOT wake up this morning.

I learned that i can take my hello kitty toaster to college, which is amazing!

Speaking of college (which EVERYONE UNDER THE SUN asks me about all the time, and no i'm not leaving until the 2nd) I kind of wish i was already there. I was so bored last night i started packing. I just need it now.

I found a cure for my feeling-faint everyday. blue gatorade. and i could drink it every.day. (get some)

things ive learned in the past few days:

-i can't not ever get a teacup pig. i would miss out on so much happiness.

-if you stick a raisin in water, itll become a grape again

-YSA is actually amazing, and ill miss everyone in it here.

-tim mcgraw and faith hill are married!

also, i had a dream last night that i was in solitary confinement. and i was trying my hardest to talk to people in the other cells. what does that mean??

if youre having a bad day, listen to this.

basically the days leading up to college will consist of working, stumbleuponing, packing, and dreaming of charlotte. all my friends already left so it feels incredibly lonely.

i'll be okay. it always gets better.

much love,

j.

some things i can't live without

besides the obvious essentials and needs,

i bring to you my short list of some of the things i can't live without:

1. Cool Blue flavored Gaterade.

2. Victoria Secret's PINK.

3. Magnum icecream bars.

4. nerf guns (especially wars with my dad)

5. fishing (my new found hobby)

6. stumbleupon

7. perfume (or atleast smelling good)

8. nature

9. music

10. the gospel.

my little, mighty hero

This picture may be blurred, but it means so much to me.

I have babysat for lucy and her siblings (seth, hazel and avery) many times.

i absolutely love the mangum family.

every single one of them,

but what happened to lucy, and how she responded is absolutely inspiring.

if i were bitten by a shark, i would most likely be afraid of the ocean,

and be absolutely distressed. but not lucy. not one bit.

the second i walked into the door she was exuberant and i would've never suspected anything happened besides her hopping around and me already knowing the story.

i got about 3 minutes alone to talk to lucy amongst the chaos and excitement.

i could tell she was already sick of talking about sharks,

but she was patient with my questions,

"what did you think of when you got bit?"

"did you know i saw you on tv?"

"did you know that im extremely proud of you?"

visiting was just what i needed. i wanted lucy to know that i was yet another person that was so incredibly proud and amazed by her. and i always will be.

i am so happy i got to see the kiddos and jordan one last time before college.

lucy in extremely good spirits

me and jordan

me and kendra with all the kiddies

hazel combing my hair

not many people are like lucy,

especially not me.

little kids teach us more than we know.

especially the ones who go through experiences we'll never go through.

and react a lot better than we ever would.

much love,

j.

the smell of something new

{my wall collection of labels}

i love new smell.

it always seems to capture the immense potential that something has.

a new home,

shoes in the box,

clothing with tags,

plastic sealed,

an unopened can of dr pepper or

babies.

when something is new, it has its purpose, but you never know the extent of the potential it contains, how immensely it will impact the world and how it will so dramatically effect you.

sometimes things may be not new or old, but they are new to you. like people. but, they have the most dramatic effect on everything else in the world.

and especially me.

much love,

j.

gross.

Right now, I feel absolutely disgusting.

I woke up 50 minutes ago, but last night started feeling a bit off.

There are numerous things that could have caused this.

biggest concern: some water infection from being at the river allllll last week.

Second concern: The egg fight I had last night-and some how consuming raw egg.

Third concern: What i ate for dinner last night, because that's all I can think about and its making me feel sicker.

Fourth concern: When i went to the doctor yesterday for my anxiety medication they said something about there possibly being an issue with my thyroid.

I was supposed to go to work today but I'm not.

I am currently laying in bed waiting to see if I get worse, also with a tab of "waterborne diseases" I am monitoring just in case.

As of 8:53 am, these are my current symptoms:

disorientation (a mix of nausea and dizziness)

my lymph nodes are swollen (like I have a cold)

and I just feel like crap.

I will keep you posted. (I really hope it's nothing)

much love,

j.

something worse than i thought

{i love these more than i should}

Last night, I was finished getting ready for bed and laid down. I listened to some music and texted until i was sure i was going to fall asleep. I turned everything off and fell asleep. Just 45 minutes later i woke up shocked at how hard it was to breathe. I didn't know the reason of this and figured it was just from waking up again, even though i usually don't wake up in the middle of the night. I kept trying to fall asleep, but every time i was on the verge of falling asleep, i woke right up again unable to breathe. It was a weird sensation. I felt as though my heart was beating really fast, but it actually wasn't.

At times of medical crisis, I go to WebMD, so i did and figured i had sleep apnea. but, what through me off was that, usually those with sleep apnea are totally unaware of it and have to have others realize they have it. I was very aware of my situation.

I finally fell asleep last night when i was way too tired to care about not breathing well, which does sound bad.

This morning i looked up anxiety on wikipedia and found out my problem. I have had anxiety for awhile now. I got rid of it early in the summer but a couple weeks ago it came back in full force.

In the physical effects area it says:
"Physical effects of anxiety may include heart palpitations, muscle weakness and tension, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. The body prepares to deal with a threat: blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, blood flow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Someone who has anxiety might also experience it as a sense of dread or panic. Although panic attacks are not experienced by every person who has anxiety, they are a common symptom. Panic attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perception of danger is very real. A person experiencing a panic attack will often feel as if he or she is about to die or pass out."

I found this incredibly accurate. I haven't experienced what i did last night yet with my anxiety but it makes me fear the future. If it's getting worse and i'm completely unaware of the reason it is, how worse will it get?

I really believe i'll be okay, and hopefully i'm right.

back to the shrink i go....

much love,


j.