something worse than i thought

{i love these more than i should}

Last night, I was finished getting ready for bed and laid down. I listened to some music and texted until i was sure i was going to fall asleep. I turned everything off and fell asleep. Just 45 minutes later i woke up shocked at how hard it was to breathe. I didn't know the reason of this and figured it was just from waking up again, even though i usually don't wake up in the middle of the night. I kept trying to fall asleep, but every time i was on the verge of falling asleep, i woke right up again unable to breathe. It was a weird sensation. I felt as though my heart was beating really fast, but it actually wasn't.

At times of medical crisis, I go to WebMD, so i did and figured i had sleep apnea. but, what through me off was that, usually those with sleep apnea are totally unaware of it and have to have others realize they have it. I was very aware of my situation.

I finally fell asleep last night when i was way too tired to care about not breathing well, which does sound bad.

This morning i looked up anxiety on wikipedia and found out my problem. I have had anxiety for awhile now. I got rid of it early in the summer but a couple weeks ago it came back in full force.

In the physical effects area it says:
"Physical effects of anxiety may include heart palpitations, muscle weakness and tension, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. The body prepares to deal with a threat: blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, blood flow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Someone who has anxiety might also experience it as a sense of dread or panic. Although panic attacks are not experienced by every person who has anxiety, they are a common symptom. Panic attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perception of danger is very real. A person experiencing a panic attack will often feel as if he or she is about to die or pass out."

I found this incredibly accurate. I haven't experienced what i did last night yet with my anxiety but it makes me fear the future. If it's getting worse and i'm completely unaware of the reason it is, how worse will it get?

I really believe i'll be okay, and hopefully i'm right.

back to the shrink i go....

much love,


j.