finding

{taken at the beginning of a momentous day}

On nights that i stay up incredibly late and alone, i have too much time to think.

in the past 5 hours i have re-evaluated my life and what i want.

(music, is magic. it can relate to how you feel when words can't.)

college has brought with it lots of contemplation. not bad, but just things i've never thought about.

how i viewed the world before, and how i view it now is much different.

i am stuck in a place where,

my mistakes won't leave me alone and all the people i've hurt never leave my mind.

i want to be the person i'm not, or that i'm not yet to.

i want to be more. i want to do more. i just dont know how.

but, like every emotion, it changes and life goes on getting better and better.

i am currently under construction. so follow the caution signs and know that soon, it will be smoother, newer and better.

much love,

j.

sleepless

It is exactly 5:00 am. I can't sleep because i accidentally took a 7 hour nap.

In the past couple of days i have gone through too much than i could handle. it is the perfect timing for a break from school. only 4 days left until i see my parents and friends. and only 10 days until my birthday.

19 will be such an odd age.

I just found two of the most amazing songs.

YOU KNOW that feeling you get when you hear a really really good song for the first time? I felt that with both of these.

paradise-coldplay

every teardrop is a waterfall-coldplay

just give both of them a chance and maybe youll feel like i did.

every single person experiences struggles of all sorts throughout their lives and it seems that they all can happen at once. i am amazed and still in shock of all the crazy, intense and dramatic past couple of days.

this week is finals. i only have 3, and i am not too worried considering how well i understand each subject. but dont worry, ill study.

15 things on my mind

1. i love hearing the train pass at night (and throughout the day)

2. i miss a dear friend more than ever right now, and i won't see him for quite some time

3. it feels really refreshing to do the right thing, even if its difficult

4. i am in love with my new roommate and suitemates (i moved)

5. i am impatient to grow my hair out really really long

6. although i would love to mend every broken friendship, sometimes you just have to move on

7. cook out corn dogs are the best. just ask the people i've converted

8. confrontation is much easier in the long run than avoiding

9. christmas is just too commercialized these days

10. sadly, every year i get less and less excited about my birthday

11. i absolutely have love for everyone, although i dont always show it

12. listen to the simple things-ellery.

13. i keep having incredibly vivid dreams that confuse me with reality. ahh!

14. i dont know if its because i'm up late, but music is absolutely amazing

15. no matter what point in your life you are at, you can change for the better

much love,

j

numb

{a perk of living alone}

i hate hate hate doing this to you, but i'm going to be honest with you with whats on my mind.

i have probably gotten about 16 hours of sleep this weekend, its not that i am being irresponsible, but because i am heartbroken.

i am doing incredibly well in school, which is something i am going to keep up no matter whats going on.

i just am sick of feeling this way and hopefully itll go away soon. i know what will fix it, but it is most likely not going to happen and its nothing i can help.

i could go on and on but i can't bring you down anymore.

i got this, i promise.

i just need time, and an insane amount of luck.

much love,

j.

jeanette.

almost everyday i look at myself and find something that i would change.

it is usually the same things.

i dont know why i do it, but i know that other people do it too,

not using that as an excuse.

depending on who's in my life and what i fill my days with,

depends on how harshly i criticize myself.

i dont hate myself, but i think i'm far from perfect.

i'm only admitting this because it has overwhelmed me today.

it's almost nothing physical today, but personality wise.

i find many flaws in the way that i carry myself around others.

but i love every single one of them unconditionally.

i find good in everyone.

absolutely all of them.

because i let out all of the hate on myself.

jeanette: there is so much behind the 8 letters.

much love,

j.