vulnerability with no excuse

When i look at the hard times in my life, i remember how absolutely difficult they were. and how awful i felt during them. i felt hopeless and worthless all bundled up into one. but, i almost always begin to think of others. i think of all the crazy and horrible things they have been through. almost all of which i have never experienced, and might never experience. it makes me feel ridiculous. it makes me feel like i have no reason to be upset when my life is "difficult". but, again, i dont know what is going to happen, nobody does. and so anything bad could, but hopefully it wont.

Although everyone has been through different experiences in their lives, and felt certain specific ways in each of them, we cant constantly compare them with others. they are very different, but a hard time for someone is a hard time, even if the differences between them are vast.

no matter what has happened to anyone,

life is able to be enjoyed.

there are always things to love about it. always.

whoever you are and whatever happens.

much love,

j.

picture: i took this picture during my trip to wisconsin. i miss all the incredibly florescent green farm lands.

6 years ago

{i HATE that this is tilted but there was no way i could flip it!}

I moved to North Carolina 6 years ago. My life before then was very different. It was dull, and sad. I had no idea what Chapel Hill would give me. I found my 12 year old diary recently and found my posts incredibly fascinating. They were messy, but very easy to read in between the lines. In most of the writings i gave my future self advice like "don't give up" and "don't let other people put you down" which was really interesting because during the time those were written, i was incredibly vulnerable and torn down by bullying. On most days i forget that person i was, because today i am far from it. I have no tolerance for bullying, and i am barely fazed when and if anyone does bully me. But, i can not stand other people being bullied because i know exactly how it feels.

My 12 year old self had no idea.

I didn't know that i would kiss a boy a year later for the first time.

Or have a cease in the bullying.

and be as successful as i have become.

I have no shame in telling anyone about that time in my life. It was the hardest so far, but i learned so much from it. Without it, i dont think i would be as confident, tolerant and able to do all that i do.

Dear 12 year old me,

you will become someone that is far beyond what you expected.




much love,


j.

there is no saabing over this

i drove an hour away from my home saturday acquiring a seemingly perfect convertible bug.

and it happens to be a stick shift, among other things.

but

i found a little baby black saab and i am so in love.

behold:

Although i am not yet close to personalizing it enough (although i already have my johnson and wales sticker on the back window)
i am ready to make it mine,
because it is!

what kind of car do you have?


much love,

j.

no work no life

{an older picture i found of me eating a cupcake, concerned apparently}

as i was doing a plank* today while working out with my trainer,

i looked down at my hand.

the veins were popping out and it seemed somewhat sparkly.

somehow, sparkles got on my hand, or i sweat them out.

but, during that moment i got an epiphany.

i realized that almost everything good in life is received through hard work.

soon, eventually, someday in the near future i will be in shape.

and it will be because of all the times i pushed my limits.

and i sweated. and shook. and stung with tension.

uncomfortable work=

in shape body=

longer life=

healthy benefits=

more to live and experience.

ridiculous college work=

sleepless nights=

dream job.

everything equals something.

so why not make it equal something good?

something well-worked for=

something well deserved.

much love,

j.

*not the new up and coming fad of "planking" in random places, but the traditional exercise.

the right way

{a very happy me during a pause on the back of the motorcycle with max}

you are right,

they are wrong.

that is almost always the perspective to everyone.

but sometimes,

the other person doesnt know they did anything,

and you think they did everything.

and you are unable to admit that you did wrong.

and they are unable to admit they did wrong too,

or maybe they are totally unaware.

this situation has happened countless times in my life,

and i am sure it will continue to.

but, sometimes its okay to move on,

let go of sides, who-did-what's and conflicts.

and go back to where everything was fine.

they dont always get the justice they deserve,

and you wont either.

but it is so wasteful to not take advantage of every relationship.

because, tomorrow is never promised.

and one day, youll regret it all.

much love,

j.

through the eye of a perfectionist

although my life is far from perfect.

there is nothing wrong with striving towards it.

{five years of precious vogue}

{conventional footwear}

{a variation of color}

{a queue of bands}

j.

wisconsin in a few words

i saw many of my old friends. reminding me of all the goods things i loved about my birthland. i i met many new people. making me wish i never moved at all. i went to two missed restaurants. culvers and michaels. i stayed with my bestest friend since kindergarten. i road a motorcycle. i never slept. and i absorbed the land i once roamed when i was little. realizing that time doesnt change many things about a person when you go back to the place where it all started.

i will hopefully make many trips back.

and itll always stay close to me.

no matter where else i go.

what isn't there

(a butterfly on my finger in the butterfly house)

in life there are so many things that happen. but there are almost infinite amounts of things that don't happen.

it is easy to invision your life the way you'd love it to be, the perfect way it could be lived. before important events happen in my life, i picture them a certain way. the way that they would be lived out supremely.

but, i am not to be confused with being ungrateful. im just a dreamer.

i have a full life. full of love, people and events that make it so enjoyable. i choose to make everything mean something. and to make it last.

but, something is missing.

something always is.

something that would make it a million times more enjoyable.

or so i think.

am i too caught up in the 'what ifs"? the things that dont happen?

without really enjoying and realizing what i do have.

and what i live.

and who i share it with.

and the infinite possibilities that will occur.

life and its variability is oh so very interesting.

and part of the excitement of the purpose of life.

and what ones life is full of.

much love,

j.

the not-to-fear extraction

{this is my 200th post!!}

We all know that i am a constant nervous and anxious person. But, i am almost 2x worse than normal in situations such as surgeries, or just the idea of them. last night was somewhat intense. i couldnt sleep and i was fearing for the next day and what it would bring. its hard when you hear different sides to the same situation, and try to determine what you think your result will be. my overwhelming feeling was that i would be fine, some parts would hurt (that was a given) and that itll only be once in my life.

I woke up this morning surprisingly calm. i was trying to take everything minute by minute without freaking out more than i needed to. i was remembering all the advice given from others, and it helped. my dad drove me to the place and i walked in. the lady took me in to the room where the surgery would be. she gave me a blanket and told me everything that was going on. "this sticker is to monitor your heart, this clamp on your finger is to monitor your oxygen and this thing on your nose is to make you more calm". and it did. ohhhh it did. i didnt CARE about the IV sticking into my arm, which i was fearing the most.

I woke up in a different room than i fell asleep in and my dad was standing right next to me. they were giving him advice on how to take care of me-which i dont remember any of it now. He drove me home while i said stupid stuff and cried uncontrollably (they said that the fear i felt before the surgery, showed in full form after the surgery, even though i didnt feel the same)

I spent all day sleeping, only to wake up to change the bloody gauze and replace the packs of peas on my face.

Lets just say, it was sooo much better than i assumed. and i am incredibly grateful.

The weird side effects i experienced included:

-hearing people talking-that i knew werent there

-everytime i fell asleep i began dreaming almost instantly

-i saw double, but only on the ride home

-i had dreams about impractical stuff, like couches that couldnt be sat on.

-[i remember having a dream about a lady jumping off a stage into a pool.]

If i were to give any advice about this experience, for those who havent done it yet:

-honestly, dont freak out. it is unnecessary, as i learned.

-ask the people at the place any question you want. it helps.

-follow all the instructions they give you. itll make the experience a lot better.

-get the anti-nauseia anesthesia

-come to realize that some parts will hurt-no matter what, but its okay.

-believe the doctors and what they say (like "this stuff will help you calm down", it did)

-your face will be numb for the first couple hours after. and youll talk like a fool.

-keep your face almost constantly iced the first day-especially with a bag of peas.

-the taste of gauze and blood and numbness will go away, eventually.

-your emotions will be way off, and youll feel like youre overreacting to everything.

-take everything one step at a time, understanding and absorbing each minute.

-like my arm, your arm might bruise really bad from the IV.

In the picture above, you can see my puffy cheeks-although they are very slight due to all the icing i did. and you can see my band aid covering up the horrid IV bruise.

I am not 100% yet, but i am getting closer.

Trust the process.

much love,

j.

i love you to the moon and back

recently, i have been daydreaming constantly of the perfect person. not in the sense perfect, but perfect to me. i cant wait to share my life with someone. to go the same places and understand the same things. to each have that constant support we both need.

there is someone out there. they seem distant, only because of time. and i might even know them now, but not in that way.

i am not desperate, just longing for something. something that i know i dont need right now. something a little later in life. but something everyone desires.

to be loved. and to love.

there is nothing wrong in thinking about that. but maybe at the consistency i do as it is a bit unhealthy. but at this point in my life amongst the chaos, i need to remember that there will be a long time to live after this. forever, as a long time.

and ill be able to share it with my best friend,

whoever he may be.

much love,

j.