anger.

sometimes i am so surprised at how angry i can get.

its usually little things that add up into a huge massive about-to-explode anger.

honestly, when im upset, messy stuff makes me furious. i get panicked and clean up everything. it helps clear my mind. but sometimes, like now, its still not clean enough.

im thankful that i have this blog as a refuge.

i am thankful for those who give back so that i dont feel like everything im giving out is not advantaging me somehow. is it sad to say i expect equality in relationships?

one sided relationships dont ever do any good.

dont become that person. give back. im not saying monetarily, but in kindness.

it goes a long way.

i have finally found something in my life that solves everything.

when i feel like i need love,

when im angry {now},

when i feel alone,

when i am in love,

when i want to calm down,

when im tired,

when i need peace,

when i love life,

it is city & colour.

the most beautiful & purest music and lyrics in the world.

if everyone listened to them daily, the world would be a better place.

so instead of me screaming away and making things worse,

i am savoring alone time with me and dallas green {the singer}.

its amazing where music can take you...

much love,

j.

15 things that are happening right now

at the moment you are reading this

1. Someone is thinking of you

2. Someone is loving you

3. Someone is lost

4. Someone is dying

5. Someone is being born

6. Someone is wishing they were with you

7. Someone is in pain

8. Someone is realizing their life importance

9. Someone is wishing they hadn't

10. Someone is scared

11. Someone is living their dream

12. Someone is falling in love

13. Someone is changing for the better

14. Someone is believing for the first time

15. Someone is carrying on

much love,

j.

my name is Part II

Here is a link to part I: my name is

My name is Jeanette Kosorok, nothing in the middle.

I blog when i can't sleep

I believe and adore symbolism

I laugh really loud and often

I stand for gay rights and I'm straight

I love sleeping with a lot of pillows

I cry because i think pigs are so cute

I want to be a good, selfless and loving mother

I love pink more than i should

I have poor eating self control and habits

I love the sounds of the city

I have a shopping addiction

I love my family

I am clumsy

Winter is my favorite

I wish everyone got to live the life they dream of

I think Cillian Murphy and Jeremy Allen White are perfection

I love mint

I have a phobia of public bathrooms

I would trade changing diapers over working in an office any day

I don't like people who complain

I work pretty quickly

I care about everyone, even if it doesn't seem like it

I live by dream interpretation

I need a stool to get to my bed

I want rims on my car

I'm addicted to things that smell good and fast cars

I love people who are different than me

I could always listen to Norah Jones

I would love to be a surfer

I am very open minded

I think a park is pointless without swings

I still get dumbfounded in the toy aisles

I sleep way too much

I could shop around Target and Ikea all day

I have an immense gratitude and passion towards everyday of my life

much love,

j.

i admire selfless people

whenever i can't sleep, i blog. i will most likely be blogging nightly.

i have always admired those who put aside all of their desires and focus them utterly to those souls in need.

i have always aspired to be completely selfless, but it is proving very difficult.

before any other necessity, i try and attempt to put others before anything. i always want to be around others, to talk with them and to associate myself with them.

i want to leave the world knowing that i was a positive impact.

for the first time in my life, i was at an all time low last night. the lowest amount of self esteem i have ever been. it only lasted for about 10 minutes. but it was dreadful.

in those few minutes i realized so many different things. the little things that keep me going, knowing that the future will always be better. i thought of those i loved, what i loved and the exceptionally lucky life ive had.

everyone has purpose. everyone deserves to be loved. everyone deserves equality and respect.

and i will make that my number one goal.

i am not a fan of new years resolutions and i dont usually make them. i respect those who want to make a positive impact in their lives, and its always good to change, but i dont think that specific date of a new year should be when we decide to change. we should always desire to grow.

i have made a new life goal, that has happened to come to existence now.

i want to love everyone.

in every single way possible. including how i think of them in my head.

hopefully, i will become whom i admire.

a selfless individual

much love,

j.

a day's success

{kaylee baby and me at the beach}

Today i,

fed the fish

did laundry (3 loads!)

cleaned my room (A LOT)

reorganized my clothing (drawers and closet)

started packing

went to both classes

got about 7 hours of sleep

ate 2 meals (healthy too, in fact)

woke up in time for class & showered

took out alllll the trash

made my bed

wrote an essay & did all my homework

spent time with the roomie (watching our nature shows)

hungout with friends

& didn't spend ANY money

i think that's ridiculously successful for one day.

much love,

j.

a year ago

I tend to reminisce a year ago from any point in my life i'm at. I found several images that were huge parts of my year almost exactly a year ago.

It snowed!

My gerbil Olivia died.

I watched my dad play black ops.

I became obsessed with Despicable Me

I started teaching primary with Kendra

We discovered Tim Tam-ing

beautiful, perfect Rosalyn was born

I got toe socks from my brother Ben

I got accepted to Johnson & Wales, along with a scholarship (I got even more after)

I tried to bargain

I made cupcakes with Mary Blakely

And she gave me an incredibly meaningful gift

I loved on Ros

Got perfect gifts from Michael and Devon

My sister got married to Matt!

I dyed part of my hair pink

We drove up to DC for the wedding

The day rosalyn was born

It snowed!

I made a peanut nativity.

I can't wait until i can reminisce in a year.

How was your life last december?

much love,

j.

the rules of stress

{taken with my new camera on my way back to campus}

Last night i couldn't sleep because i was stressed. I was stressed over cleaning my car. cleaning the windows in my room. re-hanging the fallen puffs, remembering to shave my legs, and buying milk.

all of those things, are almost nothing to worry about. why would i become sleepless over them?

as i was showering after class today, i realized that there must be some "rules of being stressed" like, what is worth being stressed over, and the intensity of stress.

i was obviously breaking the rules.

i am still trying to pin point the reason i am stressed over pointless things.

is it because my life is so easy that what i am stressing over is not worth it?

or is my dumb stress covering something that i am unaware of that is stressing me out?

whatever it is,

i dont think there are any rules for anything to be unworthy or worthy of stressing over.

it is all choice.

i choose to be stressed over dumb things which is complicating my life,

but that is my decision.

and hopefully i'll get over it.

much love,

j.

finding

{taken at the beginning of a momentous day}

On nights that i stay up incredibly late and alone, i have too much time to think.

in the past 5 hours i have re-evaluated my life and what i want.

(music, is magic. it can relate to how you feel when words can't.)

college has brought with it lots of contemplation. not bad, but just things i've never thought about.

how i viewed the world before, and how i view it now is much different.

i am stuck in a place where,

my mistakes won't leave me alone and all the people i've hurt never leave my mind.

i want to be the person i'm not, or that i'm not yet to.

i want to be more. i want to do more. i just dont know how.

but, like every emotion, it changes and life goes on getting better and better.

i am currently under construction. so follow the caution signs and know that soon, it will be smoother, newer and better.

much love,

j.

sleepless

It is exactly 5:00 am. I can't sleep because i accidentally took a 7 hour nap.

In the past couple of days i have gone through too much than i could handle. it is the perfect timing for a break from school. only 4 days left until i see my parents and friends. and only 10 days until my birthday.

19 will be such an odd age.

I just found two of the most amazing songs.

YOU KNOW that feeling you get when you hear a really really good song for the first time? I felt that with both of these.

paradise-coldplay

every teardrop is a waterfall-coldplay

just give both of them a chance and maybe youll feel like i did.

every single person experiences struggles of all sorts throughout their lives and it seems that they all can happen at once. i am amazed and still in shock of all the crazy, intense and dramatic past couple of days.

this week is finals. i only have 3, and i am not too worried considering how well i understand each subject. but dont worry, ill study.

15 things on my mind

1. i love hearing the train pass at night (and throughout the day)

2. i miss a dear friend more than ever right now, and i won't see him for quite some time

3. it feels really refreshing to do the right thing, even if its difficult

4. i am in love with my new roommate and suitemates (i moved)

5. i am impatient to grow my hair out really really long

6. although i would love to mend every broken friendship, sometimes you just have to move on

7. cook out corn dogs are the best. just ask the people i've converted

8. confrontation is much easier in the long run than avoiding

9. christmas is just too commercialized these days

10. sadly, every year i get less and less excited about my birthday

11. i absolutely have love for everyone, although i dont always show it

12. listen to the simple things-ellery.

13. i keep having incredibly vivid dreams that confuse me with reality. ahh!

14. i dont know if its because i'm up late, but music is absolutely amazing

15. no matter what point in your life you are at, you can change for the better

much love,

j

numb

{a perk of living alone}

i hate hate hate doing this to you, but i'm going to be honest with you with whats on my mind.

i have probably gotten about 16 hours of sleep this weekend, its not that i am being irresponsible, but because i am heartbroken.

i am doing incredibly well in school, which is something i am going to keep up no matter whats going on.

i just am sick of feeling this way and hopefully itll go away soon. i know what will fix it, but it is most likely not going to happen and its nothing i can help.

i could go on and on but i can't bring you down anymore.

i got this, i promise.

i just need time, and an insane amount of luck.

much love,

j.