one of those days

Disclaimer: I wrote this post awhile ago and finally finalized it, also, the feelings expressed in this have changed, but for some reason i feel like i need to post it.





Ever feel like no matter how many people are around you or all the things youre doing, that you still feel utterly alone?

No one of my friends believe it. Mainly because i dont show it. I have a hard happy shell.

I dont know why i feel alone. im not ungrateful i just havent quite diagnosed it yet. It might be because im not used to not having nightly phone calls.
or im still incredibly nervous about college.
or because i never sleep anymore. ever.
or because i choose to be negative at some times.
or possibly because i am alone.

i would never want to depend on other people for my own happiness. although i might not want to admit the truth. depending on others is a sign of weakness. i dont want to be weak.

for the moment i will prescribe this. 1 daily dose of me time. or maybe more. and much more sleep. and positivity and open minded-ness.

lifetime full of refills.

although for most things you should take initiative to make things happen, for some, just ride the wave of life, and eventually youll come up on the shore of a beautiful tropical island. full of pina coladas and everything good.


much love,


j.

the wrong advice

It is really hard to accept and understand advice someone gives you when you know it wont help. If youre grieving, someone telling you to move on doesnt help. Youll move on in your own time healthily or unhealthily. You want advice about the now. Something that will help you at the moment, which will eventually lead to a better future. Right now i hear a lot of stuff, that although im grateful for it, it doesnt sound quite right. It might be my own interpretation and ignorance though.

A song full of emotion and perfect for times of stress: Alibi by David Gray

Feel better. Sometimes only time will fade some emotions while better ones make their debut.

You got this.

and hopefully i do too.


Much love,


j.

a permanent place

A home is a place full of love. a place of safety and refuge.

I have spent all night and today feeling violated. my respect, home, and feelings were busted down and torn apart.

A situation was taken completely out of hand and i was left to defend myself and stand my ground constantly until it went away.

Im writing this in school. unable to get my mind off this haunting event. the feeling im left with has nothing to do with the real issue, but of the people who chose to make a drastic, unrelated issue. i dont care about the friendship, or the people or the real situation. I care about how incredibly ridiculous they chose to be. i decided after they left i wouldnt speak of the issue ever again. its over. except in my mind. im left with fear, increase in anxiety and worry. if people have the decency to come into my home, and act the way they did toward me and my parents, they are nothing but garbage. i knew i was right. i never went that far with them, i yelled to make my point, and i kept to what i knew was right.

the repeated words echo in my head during everything i do. i feel sunken. this was the definition of overreaction and disrespect. i couldnt sleep last night scared they would come again.

you cannot control what people do, how they choose to treat you, but you have no wrong in sticking to what you know is right. it was hard and they pushed me to the ground, but i was still there, and i still got what i wanted. i'm not saying that i was completely "right" but i knew that them trying to force me into changing my opinion didnt mean i had to.

the result was fair, legal and i have realized who really matters in my life, the kind of respect i should expect from friends, the people i should let through my door and that,

no matter the issue. stand. stand where you are and dont move. the impossible was possible. i defied the power i thought i possessed. and hopefully, this will never

ever happen again.

much love,

j.

there we go

I have been tied down by something for almost a year now. Something that has consumed me and brought me down constantly. not a person, or a place, but a feeling. a feeling i felt almost everywhere. and suddenly today, i got this sudden upliftment. upliftment that all i was worried about, and cared about, wasnt worth anything. and i could finally let it go. and i did.
I feel new found purpose. new hope. new importance. at just the perfect time for this place in my life, for my new beginning. my new venture off into the college world.

it feels oh so good to finally let something go. to finally leave something that was never good and hopeful in the first place. this weight is lifted. lifted so high itll never come down.

this may sound completely ridiculous, but the past couple of weeks i have felt a completely new view on life. that my frontal lobe finally developed. i dont care about things that dont matter and i wont let anyone bring me down. nothing effects me like it used to. worries that used to worry me worry me no more. i must always be prepared for anything. i must always be acting the best way, for anything. who knows who i'll meet in college. who knows how ill do and whatll happen, but i know itll be good.

this time is a time of endings. ending public school. ending home life. ending that burden that wore me down. ending of the old jeanette.

and onto the new venture. the new home. the new life.

but the same me.



much love,



j.

my ultimate favorites

it took me about a year to make this list.

color: pink (duh)
gum: trident cool colada
shoes: tory burch flats, jellies
fabric: velour & tulle
brand: juicy
lip gloss: dior maximized and twisted peppermint
chapstick: burts
season: winter when its summer, summer when its winter
scent: cinnamon, the body shop
car: mazeratis, audi & aston martins
candy: mike and ikes and krabby patties
chocolate: godiva
book: the last lecture by randy pausch
animal: pigs and baby hippos
soda: coke zero and dr pepper
jewelry: necklaces and bracelets
day: wednesday
grocery store: southern seasons
cheese: chavrie
furniture brand: tulix and crate & barrel
arist: photo realism
magazine: vogue and martha stewart living
place: charleston
water: fiji
pillow: super puffy
celebrity: james franco, reese witherspoon & zach galifinakis
high-end brand: chanel
metal: platinum
print: stripes, lilly pullitzer
toilet paper: cottonelle
design element: silhouette
photography: black and white
eye color: bright blue
food: cupcake
color scheme: neon or burgundy/navy
movie: hot rod, hangover and despicable me
educational subject: anatomy
fruit: pomegranate
emotion: excited
class: apparel developement
nature: hiking
sport: kickboxing
cake: red velvet
clothing color: grey
tv show: desperate housewives
nail polish: o.p.i.
major: fashion merchandising
kids book: olivia
future career: j. crew fashion merchandiser

obviously theres more. but this is a lot.


much love,


j.

a gloomy duration

I found out at the doctor's yesterday that i have anxiety. and its bad. and i dont like it. and it came about at such a rough and critical time.
I created this blog to be completely honest [almost] about my life. yesterday i typed how i felt up on my phone whilst i was in the incredibly unfriendly 'exam room'.

"i have no person to vent to. no outlet. no refuge. i currently live in a world of go go go and nothings ever finished before the next thing comes. every day is a bad day. every day i wake up sick and every night i cant sleep. i feel no purpose. no one ever reassures me anything. if i ever come to what feels like the end, its never good enough. there is no praise for any good deed."

just remember that at the time i was really emotionally beat down and incredibly exhausted. my attitude today is almost incredibly different.

itll get better. life will get calmer. and good things will come.

i have a lot to look forward to. even though itll come about almost for certainly chaotically.

much love,

j.

thoughts with this rainy day

The most beautiful sea hasn't been crossed yet.
The most beautiful child hasn't grown up yet.
The most beautiful days we haven't seen yet.
And the most beautiful words I wanted to tell you...
I haven't said yet.

-Nazim Hikmet

portrayed

Your life is portrayed by those all other than yourself. They view your actions and words, without knowing your thoughts. You may act a certain way that contradicts your intent or thoughts, but others dont see that. They see and assume what you think is what you do.

I cant just side with one side saying that you should always give people the benefit of the doubt. Although that is true you cant let people just toss you around. Stand your ground. If someone is using you and treating you unfairly, dont just let it happen. Approach it in the right way. Even though the heat of the moment definitely makes it difficult to act calmly. There have been times where the only way id know id make an impact to cause change was by acting very feircly.

1. be fair
2. dont always think of yourself
3. be open minded
4. try to approach situations in a appropriate manner
5. stand up for yourself
6. stay to your beliefs no matter what.

never let others use you,
but dont ever ruin a good relationship.



j.

feeling beefy

The unbudging grudge.
If i think about my past, many unforgivable instances have happened.
Things that bring up anger, selft doubt, confusion and even hatred.
Its hard to let go of things that people have done that offend you.
Its easy to justify why you dont need to ever forgive. but you do.
Forgive.
You never know someones true intent for doing what they did.
You never know what they have been through or experienced to get them at that point.
You never know how badly you couldve hurt someone even if it didnt seem that bad to you.
Change your perspective. and forgive.
give them the benefit of the doubt and start over.

It wont be easy. It has taken me about two years to get over something that was completely ridiculous.
At many times i feel like the person hasnt deserved their justice.
But they will. leave that out of your hands.
even if their life is easier than yours in the long run, the experience may have benefitted you over time in a way you cant even realized.
it many have made you stronger, tougher and more experienced to handle the harshness of the world.
although it may be unfair, frustrating, ridiculous, forgive.
the person still hasnt apologized and maybe its because they havent realized what they did.
the day, if it ever happens, that they forgive will be amazing closure.
and a huge burden for possibly both will be lifted.

if you have done something to someone, you think about it often but believe theyve gotten over it, it doesnt matter.
apologize to them. maybe you dont have to say anything, but show in your actions.
if you think about it, youd want someone to apologized for something they did to you,
so apologize to someone you need to.
even if its difficult.

for now, ill pretend that everythings okay and it never happened.
i've frogiven them and thats all i can do.
I cant force them to do anything at all.
do your part and forgive and apologize.

life is too short to waste any human relationships.

any.



j

the place in my mind

There is a place in my mind where the dead ones go.

my friends, family members, famous people and acquaintances.

mingling forever and backing me up.

standing there for me when i'm alone at night.

that solid foundation when nobody understands.

my grandma.

my friend's little brother

the victims of genocides

my favorite actor

that car crash victim

the unknown soldier

the cousins i never met

that one stranger nobody knew

all of them in the same place.

the perfect place.

waiting for me patiently till im home again.

smiling. loving. surrounding. encouraging. cheering

wanting nothing but the best because they finally landed in the place of perfection.

the place where it all makes sense.

and they knew that they're lives were worth it.

and they know that my life is worth it. yours is too.

they never want to be forgotten, but never want to be mourned.

they've learned that the little things matter.

and that others are above everything.

and that every life is perfect and purposeful.

no matter how long it lasts.

and because of that expiring time,

every moment counts.

every smile. every person to show love to.

every thought in your head.

every decision made.

because every life has magnificent purpose. especially yours.

live for them and live for yourself.

live for the moment and live for the end.

j.