what isn't there

(a butterfly on my finger in the butterfly house)

in life there are so many things that happen. but there are almost infinite amounts of things that don't happen.

it is easy to invision your life the way you'd love it to be, the perfect way it could be lived. before important events happen in my life, i picture them a certain way. the way that they would be lived out supremely.

but, i am not to be confused with being ungrateful. im just a dreamer.

i have a full life. full of love, people and events that make it so enjoyable. i choose to make everything mean something. and to make it last.

but, something is missing.

something always is.

something that would make it a million times more enjoyable.

or so i think.

am i too caught up in the 'what ifs"? the things that dont happen?

without really enjoying and realizing what i do have.

and what i live.

and who i share it with.

and the infinite possibilities that will occur.

life and its variability is oh so very interesting.

and part of the excitement of the purpose of life.

and what ones life is full of.

much love,

j.

the not-to-fear extraction

{this is my 200th post!!}

We all know that i am a constant nervous and anxious person. But, i am almost 2x worse than normal in situations such as surgeries, or just the idea of them. last night was somewhat intense. i couldnt sleep and i was fearing for the next day and what it would bring. its hard when you hear different sides to the same situation, and try to determine what you think your result will be. my overwhelming feeling was that i would be fine, some parts would hurt (that was a given) and that itll only be once in my life.

I woke up this morning surprisingly calm. i was trying to take everything minute by minute without freaking out more than i needed to. i was remembering all the advice given from others, and it helped. my dad drove me to the place and i walked in. the lady took me in to the room where the surgery would be. she gave me a blanket and told me everything that was going on. "this sticker is to monitor your heart, this clamp on your finger is to monitor your oxygen and this thing on your nose is to make you more calm". and it did. ohhhh it did. i didnt CARE about the IV sticking into my arm, which i was fearing the most.

I woke up in a different room than i fell asleep in and my dad was standing right next to me. they were giving him advice on how to take care of me-which i dont remember any of it now. He drove me home while i said stupid stuff and cried uncontrollably (they said that the fear i felt before the surgery, showed in full form after the surgery, even though i didnt feel the same)

I spent all day sleeping, only to wake up to change the bloody gauze and replace the packs of peas on my face.

Lets just say, it was sooo much better than i assumed. and i am incredibly grateful.

The weird side effects i experienced included:

-hearing people talking-that i knew werent there

-everytime i fell asleep i began dreaming almost instantly

-i saw double, but only on the ride home

-i had dreams about impractical stuff, like couches that couldnt be sat on.

-[i remember having a dream about a lady jumping off a stage into a pool.]

If i were to give any advice about this experience, for those who havent done it yet:

-honestly, dont freak out. it is unnecessary, as i learned.

-ask the people at the place any question you want. it helps.

-follow all the instructions they give you. itll make the experience a lot better.

-get the anti-nauseia anesthesia

-come to realize that some parts will hurt-no matter what, but its okay.

-believe the doctors and what they say (like "this stuff will help you calm down", it did)

-your face will be numb for the first couple hours after. and youll talk like a fool.

-keep your face almost constantly iced the first day-especially with a bag of peas.

-the taste of gauze and blood and numbness will go away, eventually.

-your emotions will be way off, and youll feel like youre overreacting to everything.

-take everything one step at a time, understanding and absorbing each minute.

-like my arm, your arm might bruise really bad from the IV.

In the picture above, you can see my puffy cheeks-although they are very slight due to all the icing i did. and you can see my band aid covering up the horrid IV bruise.

I am not 100% yet, but i am getting closer.

Trust the process.

much love,

j.

i love you to the moon and back

recently, i have been daydreaming constantly of the perfect person. not in the sense perfect, but perfect to me. i cant wait to share my life with someone. to go the same places and understand the same things. to each have that constant support we both need.

there is someone out there. they seem distant, only because of time. and i might even know them now, but not in that way.

i am not desperate, just longing for something. something that i know i dont need right now. something a little later in life. but something everyone desires.

to be loved. and to love.

there is nothing wrong in thinking about that. but maybe at the consistency i do as it is a bit unhealthy. but at this point in my life amongst the chaos, i need to remember that there will be a long time to live after this. forever, as a long time.

and ill be able to share it with my best friend,

whoever he may be.

much love,

j.

my name is

{spring break at the beach, cold night on the dock}

-My name is Jeanette Kosorok.

-i'm five one and a half.

-i call my brother in laws brothers my own.

-i could eat a whole watermelon.

-i cant stand messes.

-i dislike cats.

-i am a sucker for kids movies. ( and any movies)

-i'm not afraid to stand up for myself even if itll cause an awkward situation.

-my favorite flowers are peonies-pink ones.

-i am unhealthily addicted to reality tv, pink, online shopping and how things smell.

-i think everyone deserves the same amount of respect.

-i love women older than me who know it all and hangout with them like their my own age.

-i go to church every sunday.

-i am mormon.

-i am obsessed with organization and have my whole life planned out-fully aware that it could change any minute.

-i love hiking, and want to travel everywhere.

-i like watching basketball but hate playing it and hate watching football but love to play it.

-i remember everyone i've ever met, their names and the first time i met them.

-i never forget anyone.

-i want to be a fashion merchandiser and be among the elite in that field.

-it may look like i dont care about certain things or people but i do and i think about it constantly.

-id rather hangout with a group of boys than a group of girls.

-i kickbox. and probably tell everyone i could beat them up.

-i love looking at the stars.

-i'm a good teenager (and usually easy on my parents)

-i dont have a middle name.

-i am a sucker for sonic. and bk fries.

-i absolutely love fashion and labels.

-i save every card anyones given me. i love getting mail.

-i have an astoundingly deep love for the people i know.

-i play words with friends almost more than kendra does.

-i absolutely love cologne and perfume. mmm.

-i straighten my hair everyday and almost forgot i used to have such curly hair.

-it is currently 3:30 am and i cant stop thinking about this boy. that happens a lot.

-i could drink pina coladas and coca cola icees till the end of time.

-i absolutely love blogging. nothing is more of a refuge than this.

-i am constantly thinking about my future.

-i love long nightly phone calls and havent had one in awhile.

-i have an opinion on everything. everything.

-i think more than i should, overthinking about things that dont matter and think time doesnt go fast enough when im obsessed with something i want.

-im not afraid to love, but i am impatient.

-i dont want to get married until im 25 and hope to keep it that way.

-i want 3 kids. 2 boys and 1 girl.

-im aware im far from that point on my life and wont think about it till it comes (or not)

-im not afraid to admit that im not perfect.

-i dont get the sleep i need.

-my eating habits are unique.

-i hate eggs (or as i say "aigs")

-id rather be in the picture than take it.

-i am a daddys girl.

-my driving is-interesting. we wont get into that.

-i dislike those who are close minded, unloving and judgemental.

-i think that it doesnt matter where you came from, or where you are right now, just where youll go.

-my quote ill be known for when im famous is, "live in moderation except for love"

-i love symbolism and keep little things to remind me of people and places.

-i love my bed and dream about sleeping in it at school.

-i am a full believer of dream interpretation.

-in friendship i believe equality is important. if youre only always helping the other person with no return, its insincere.

-i am overly opinionated.

-i can spell really good.

-i wish everyone i loved was always in the same place.

-i miss the way things used to be, in some sense. except i love being tan and hope to stay that way.

-i wish my dads mom was still alive.

-i go into spazz attacks when i see messy things (an undeclared perfectionist)

-i love blue eyes. and deep brown ones.

-smiles are the most attractive feature. and there are some good ones in the world.

-i want a pig. named moo.

-i have one older sister, jessica. and our dad still mixes our names up everyday.

-my favorite songs today are: blinded-third eye blind, hold you in my arms-ray lamontagne & iris-the goo goo dolls.

-i am an overly affectionate person and hug a lot.

-i love laughing, and maybe laugh too much.

-i love cars and know a lot about them-almost as much as most boys.

-i love wearing heels and wedges.

-i think i should be more helpful, volunteering and available to help any cause.

I am Jeanette Kosorok. and i'm not changing myself for anyone.

an ordinary extraordinary day

i woke up this morning like every sunday. an hour before church. i got ready and ran out the door holding my shoes. normal church service began. but when people began to share their testimonies and feelings, i got this gigantic wave of comfort. i knew i was where i was supposed to be and that i needed to hear this. i hadnt felt that spiritually full since last summer. although efy last year was incredibly emotionally draining (oof) but the spirit was the same.

my kids. william, hunter, elizabeth, skyler, evan, lydia, eloise and guy.

whenever i teach them, especially today, it is amazing. through their random comments and disruptive actions, they know whats right. they may be 5 but they have been built up with the most perfect foundation. i have no other feeling but love when im around them.

i learned the hugest lesson in my life today. i need the church in my life wherever i am. i cannot have it away from me. it is the best support system, the best upliftment and unlike anything else on this earth.

mormon.org

much love,

j.