gross.

Right now, I feel absolutely disgusting.

I woke up 50 minutes ago, but last night started feeling a bit off.

There are numerous things that could have caused this.

biggest concern: some water infection from being at the river allllll last week.

Second concern: The egg fight I had last night-and some how consuming raw egg.

Third concern: What i ate for dinner last night, because that's all I can think about and its making me feel sicker.

Fourth concern: When i went to the doctor yesterday for my anxiety medication they said something about there possibly being an issue with my thyroid.

I was supposed to go to work today but I'm not.

I am currently laying in bed waiting to see if I get worse, also with a tab of "waterborne diseases" I am monitoring just in case.

As of 8:53 am, these are my current symptoms:

disorientation (a mix of nausea and dizziness)

my lymph nodes are swollen (like I have a cold)

and I just feel like crap.

I will keep you posted. (I really hope it's nothing)

much love,

j.

something worse than i thought

{i love these more than i should}

Last night, I was finished getting ready for bed and laid down. I listened to some music and texted until i was sure i was going to fall asleep. I turned everything off and fell asleep. Just 45 minutes later i woke up shocked at how hard it was to breathe. I didn't know the reason of this and figured it was just from waking up again, even though i usually don't wake up in the middle of the night. I kept trying to fall asleep, but every time i was on the verge of falling asleep, i woke right up again unable to breathe. It was a weird sensation. I felt as though my heart was beating really fast, but it actually wasn't.

At times of medical crisis, I go to WebMD, so i did and figured i had sleep apnea. but, what through me off was that, usually those with sleep apnea are totally unaware of it and have to have others realize they have it. I was very aware of my situation.

I finally fell asleep last night when i was way too tired to care about not breathing well, which does sound bad.

This morning i looked up anxiety on wikipedia and found out my problem. I have had anxiety for awhile now. I got rid of it early in the summer but a couple weeks ago it came back in full force.

In the physical effects area it says:
"Physical effects of anxiety may include heart palpitations, muscle weakness and tension, fatigue, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, stomach aches, or headaches. The body prepares to deal with a threat: blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, blood flow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited (the fight or flight response). External signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Someone who has anxiety might also experience it as a sense of dread or panic. Although panic attacks are not experienced by every person who has anxiety, they are a common symptom. Panic attacks usually come without warning, and although the fear is generally irrational, the perception of danger is very real. A person experiencing a panic attack will often feel as if he or she is about to die or pass out."

I found this incredibly accurate. I haven't experienced what i did last night yet with my anxiety but it makes me fear the future. If it's getting worse and i'm completely unaware of the reason it is, how worse will it get?

I really believe i'll be okay, and hopefully i'm right.

back to the shrink i go....

much love,


j.

small things with meaning

This picture. fills me with longing and love. amongst its many details, and in focus, is my grandmothers ring. three opals looped with gold. on my finger.

the last time she was alive was ten years ago. when i was 8 years old.

at that age i had no idea how much she would mean to me.

and how much i would want her in every important moment in my life.

but, wearing that ring, reminds me of who she was, what she means to me,

and even though shes not there, i have a something of hers to remember it all.

i always remember the little things.

the smiles,

expressions,

and tiny details that mean the most.

i can never let go of all the little things i have that remind me of people. they mean the most, and remind me of some of the best times of my life.

much love,

j.

boys & songs

{the glorious butter burger from my birthland}

As most of you know, i have a summer job. I'm not too fond of it as it makes me go to bed early, and wake up early, this making a basically pointless summer. I spend most of my 8 to 9 hour long shift being an "assistant" doing everything nobody else wants to do. I love most of the tasks as they consist of organizing, filing, etc. everything that makes chaos organized which i love. But i usually end up doing the same job all day and i go almost insane.

The one thing that saves me from my sanity is my dear old ipod. for the past few weeks i have been listening to the same playlist of 29 songs, but today i decided to do a complete shuffle.

the point of this explanation is, i found that a lot of the songs i listened to reminded me of boys. boyfriends, friends, crushes, all of them.

its amazing how songs can put you into this different world than the one you are in.

here, are some of those songs, dont try guessing which boy matches which song. i wont tell you :) (click any of the titles to get directed to youtube to hear them)

i miss you-blink-182

swollowed in the sea-coldplay

softly as i leave you-michael buble

for the first time-the script

one love-trey songz

enchanted-taylor swift

everything-michael buble

roll up-wiz khalifa

hey there delilah-plain white t's

in your arms-kina grannis

save your goodbye-mike posner

more than anyone-gavin degraw

wake up-mac miller

can't get away-third eye blind

something for the rest of us-goo goo dolls

i'm not done, but i think thats enough to leave you with.

wow, it really does put me into a different place.

i am grateful for all the life experiences ive had. and i am perfectly content with my current one.

much love,

j.

vulnerability with no excuse

When i look at the hard times in my life, i remember how absolutely difficult they were. and how awful i felt during them. i felt hopeless and worthless all bundled up into one. but, i almost always begin to think of others. i think of all the crazy and horrible things they have been through. almost all of which i have never experienced, and might never experience. it makes me feel ridiculous. it makes me feel like i have no reason to be upset when my life is "difficult". but, again, i dont know what is going to happen, nobody does. and so anything bad could, but hopefully it wont.

Although everyone has been through different experiences in their lives, and felt certain specific ways in each of them, we cant constantly compare them with others. they are very different, but a hard time for someone is a hard time, even if the differences between them are vast.

no matter what has happened to anyone,

life is able to be enjoyed.

there are always things to love about it. always.

whoever you are and whatever happens.

much love,

j.

picture: i took this picture during my trip to wisconsin. i miss all the incredibly florescent green farm lands.

6 years ago

{i HATE that this is tilted but there was no way i could flip it!}

I moved to North Carolina 6 years ago. My life before then was very different. It was dull, and sad. I had no idea what Chapel Hill would give me. I found my 12 year old diary recently and found my posts incredibly fascinating. They were messy, but very easy to read in between the lines. In most of the writings i gave my future self advice like "don't give up" and "don't let other people put you down" which was really interesting because during the time those were written, i was incredibly vulnerable and torn down by bullying. On most days i forget that person i was, because today i am far from it. I have no tolerance for bullying, and i am barely fazed when and if anyone does bully me. But, i can not stand other people being bullied because i know exactly how it feels.

My 12 year old self had no idea.

I didn't know that i would kiss a boy a year later for the first time.

Or have a cease in the bullying.

and be as successful as i have become.

I have no shame in telling anyone about that time in my life. It was the hardest so far, but i learned so much from it. Without it, i dont think i would be as confident, tolerant and able to do all that i do.

Dear 12 year old me,

you will become someone that is far beyond what you expected.




much love,


j.

there is no saabing over this

i drove an hour away from my home saturday acquiring a seemingly perfect convertible bug.

and it happens to be a stick shift, among other things.

but

i found a little baby black saab and i am so in love.

behold:

Although i am not yet close to personalizing it enough (although i already have my johnson and wales sticker on the back window)
i am ready to make it mine,
because it is!

what kind of car do you have?


much love,

j.

no work no life

{an older picture i found of me eating a cupcake, concerned apparently}

as i was doing a plank* today while working out with my trainer,

i looked down at my hand.

the veins were popping out and it seemed somewhat sparkly.

somehow, sparkles got on my hand, or i sweat them out.

but, during that moment i got an epiphany.

i realized that almost everything good in life is received through hard work.

soon, eventually, someday in the near future i will be in shape.

and it will be because of all the times i pushed my limits.

and i sweated. and shook. and stung with tension.

uncomfortable work=

in shape body=

longer life=

healthy benefits=

more to live and experience.

ridiculous college work=

sleepless nights=

dream job.

everything equals something.

so why not make it equal something good?

something well-worked for=

something well deserved.

much love,

j.

*not the new up and coming fad of "planking" in random places, but the traditional exercise.

the right way

{a very happy me during a pause on the back of the motorcycle with max}

you are right,

they are wrong.

that is almost always the perspective to everyone.

but sometimes,

the other person doesnt know they did anything,

and you think they did everything.

and you are unable to admit that you did wrong.

and they are unable to admit they did wrong too,

or maybe they are totally unaware.

this situation has happened countless times in my life,

and i am sure it will continue to.

but, sometimes its okay to move on,

let go of sides, who-did-what's and conflicts.

and go back to where everything was fine.

they dont always get the justice they deserve,

and you wont either.

but it is so wasteful to not take advantage of every relationship.

because, tomorrow is never promised.

and one day, youll regret it all.

much love,

j.

through the eye of a perfectionist

although my life is far from perfect.

there is nothing wrong with striving towards it.

{five years of precious vogue}

{conventional footwear}

{a variation of color}

{a queue of bands}

j.